Grief Cycle

Coming to Terms with Death

Chances are you will not go through these stages in sync with each other. Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross wrote a now famous book, On Death and Dying in the late 1960s, which broke new ground in our understanding of how people cope with dying and death. Through interviews and counseling of terminally ill patients, Dr. Ku[um]bler-Ross shared the following observations of five basic stages many people go through as they come to terms with dying:

1. Denial. At first, you simply can't believe it is true. The realization that life will end--even if you have lived a long life--is too much to absorb. Denial is the mind's shock absorber, giving you a chance to soak in the reality of dying. So if you and your family act like nothing has really changed, it's okay. At least for a while.
2. Anger. If you're on the receiving end anger, you might think this isn't such a great stage. However, anger means that person is past denying the death. He may be angry at a physician, the nurses, God, family members, friends, or he may be just angry at life itself. Let him express his anger. He'll need to go through this before he can move on to acceptance.
3. Bargaining. Ever secretly make a deal with God--or whatever higher power you believe in--that if you do a certain good thing, then you'll get something in return. Or you'll look for a "sign" to help you make a big decision? That's what the bargaining stage is essentially all about.
4. Depression. Once it becomes undeniably clear that all the bargaining in the world won't change the inevitable, yo will likely become depressed. You'll be mourning the loss of his life, of the things to come and the things he didn't get to do. Antidepressants and cheery conversation won't make it go away. Nor should it. It's a healthy response to the realization that life ends.
5. Acceptance. When you peacefully accepts the death. Chances are you aren't going to reach this stage at the same time as your parent. You, or perhaps one of your siblings, might be angry and want Mom to fight this by trying a new treatment therapy to buy more time. You'll need to respect where everyone is.

Perhaps being aware of the various stages that many people experience in response to the dying of a loved one may help you better understand your own feelings and those of your siblings and surviving parent. Each of you will handle your feelings differently; just stay focused on what your dying parent needs and most of the rest will fall into place.

Information adapted from a Family Education site.